Meataverse launches subscription for avoiding your family
Staying in touch is still free. Getting out of Sunday lunch now costs extra.
SATIRICAL FUTURE NEWS · Imagined events for 23 Sep–29 Sep
1 MIN READ
Meataverse launched a paid AI service this week that wrote excuses for missing family lunch, finally giving its users something they actually wanted from artificial intelligence.
The new Get Out Together package offered a choice of migraines, urgent work and something going round. Customers approved the excuse before it landed in the family chat, where it was immediately read by an aunt who knew perfectly well they were at the pub.
The basic plan covered one awkward invitation a month. Premium remembered which grandmother had already been told about the boiler and stopped users accidentally killing the same pet twice.
Ordinary messaging remained free. So did guilt. Meataverse said there were no plans to monetise guilt, although a team was looking into it.
Early customers praised the service for saving them the exhausting work of typing sorry, just seen this while visibly posting photographs from a beer garden. One selected a digital detox excuse and received a push notification asking how it was going.
Problems emerged when six members of one family used the service to avoid the same barbecue. All six developed food poisoning before anyone had cooked.
Their mother replied with a single thumbs-up. The system marked the matter resolved. No human in the family agreed.
What actually happened
Meta announced subscription bundles across its social apps with additional AI use. It says core app use remains free.
Original product announcement. Core app use remains free; the family-excuse service below is our invented sequel.
What we’re calling next
Meataverse launches a dedicated paid feature inside a consumer messaging app that drafts excuses for declining personal invitations and sends them to the relevant chat after user approval. Generic chatbot writing and scheduled chat muting do not count.
